Every week our relationship specialist, Sarah Abell, answers readers’ concerns on emotional problems.
7:00AM GMT 15 Mar 2011
In the past my closest friend, Sue, said she had fallen in love off saying, “I don’t feel the same way, you’re my best friend, I’m straight” with me and I brushed her. She is at the full time and remains in a relationship that is committed young ones. We stayed close friends on the years with durations where she’d take away from our relationship however we’d return to being fine once more, at the very least, I was thinking we did.
Sue now informs me she’s got held it’s place in love beside me the whole time and has struggled whenever I’ve held it’s place in relationships, that have for ages been with dudes. Fast-forward to now and I also find myself in my own very very first relationship with a woman plus it is with Sue’s really friend that is best of 20 years. I don’t understand why it simply happened however it did and it’s good.
She ended up being waiting for me personally to really have the “ah ha” moment and realize I became supposed to be with her.
Together with only explanation she thought through the years that people weren’t together was because i might never ever desire to be with a lady. She blames me personally for the form her relationship has been doing when it comes to previous years and she feels that I’ve led her on when it comes to time that is entire.
Sue is extremely mad beside me and I also have no idea just how to navigate the problem. She desires distance, that we have but i will be really mad too at having lost her relationship. She informs me she’s working on her behalf relationship and family members now and if that gets better, we are able to be buddies later on. We come together therefore I see her each day. Along with her relationship together with her friend that is best hasn’t changed; it is simply ours, that will be the difficulty. Do any advice is had by you on the best way to salvage this relationship?
What a messy situation! I need to say reading your page I happened to be reminded to be fifteen once once once again whenever my buddies and I also talked about “best friends”, had crushes, got jealous periodically whenever buddies dated one another and would see red if your mate produced move on somebody we liked. You aren’t teens navigating the turbulent waters of unrequited love, raging hormones and testing the boundaries of relationship – you might be grown women – whom dare I state it, should be aware of better. In the place of using the passive approach of thinking that is one thing taking place for your requirements – i do believe it will be more effective in the event that you and Sue took some duty on your own actions and behaviour.
Let’s focus on Sue. She actually is in “a committed relationship with children” and blames you for the poor state of her relationship along with her partner. For all these years anyway especially if you told her you weren’t interested if she is in a committed relationship – why was she pursuing you? You can easily blame other folks however the the fact is Sue permitted her emotions her and she, not you, is responsible address for the state of her relationship with her family for you to consume.
You meanwhile appear unaware of why Sue might be upset and feel enraged that she has been lost by you relationship. You need to try to understand her feelings and be honest about the part you played in creating this current situation if you are serious about salvaging this relationship. Think about truthfully on– knowing as you did that she had romantic feelings for you whether you ever did anything to lead her? Could your friendliness or closeness have already been interpreted as flirtation? Would you have put up better boundaries around your relationship? In the event that you replied “yes” – consider apologising to Sue for almost any upset you caused.
You don’t mention just just how Sue discovered regarding your brand brand new relationship but from you directly – think about how that made her feel if it wasn’t. Have actually you attempted to show her just just exactly how you instantly became interested in a female (specially a person who is her closest friend) whenever for countless years you reported you can never fancy somebody of your personal intercourse? Once you understand the truth may help her to know a small better.
So what does your new partner think of the problem?
It appears amazing that her relationship with Sue has remained unscathed. Did she maybe maybe maybe not understand that Sue was at love she made her move with you before? But, as Sue is not upset she could help you to re-build your relationship with her, perhaps. Take to asking on her insights on Sue’s responses as well as perhaps some suggested statements on just just just what might enhance issues.
My suggestion should be to speak with Sue, apologise if you want to and talk about means of moving forward together with your relationship and relationship that is working. However it maybe that Sue can’t or move that is won’t with this. If it may be the situation – you’ve got no option but to respect her emotions also to keep her to re-build her relationships. Often readiness is once you understand when you should keep well alone.
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